How Assuming I’m Selfish Helped My Relationships
A lot of things get said on social media that don’t amount to much. But every once in a while, you come across an idea that sticks with you and changes your perspective.
That happened to me some years back when I stumbled across a tweet by the late Tim Keller, a pastor who led a thriving church of over 5,000 people in New York City. His words resonated deeply, and judging by the thousands of retweets, I wasn’t the only one:
Although I’m not married, the idea struck a chord. After all, every relationship—whether it’s with friends, family, coworkers, or a spouse—is affected by how selfishly (or selflessly) we choose to behave.
So, I decided to test it out.
The Experiment: Is It Me?
Here’s what I did: every time I felt frustrated in a relationship - when someone said or did something (or didn’t do something) - I paused and asked myself a few questions:
Is it possible I’m just being selfish?
Could I adjust my expectations instead of expecting them to change their behaviour?
Is there something I could do to strengthen this relationship instead of contributing frustration or negativity?
Most of the time, the answer was - Yes. That is definitely possible.
The Results: A Shift in Perspective
I found myself stopping to consider how my own selfishness might be clouding how accurately and reasonable I was interpreting the actions of people I care about.
I found that acknowledging my own selfishness makes the selflessness of others more noticeable.
This, in turn, made me more grateful for all the little selfless acts of help, encouragement, and friendship I found in my relationships day by day. It made me want to be more selfless too.
What This Doesn’t Mean
Now, let me be clear: this approach isn’t about taking responsibility for someone else’s unhealthy or dysfunctional behaviour. There are relationships where the issue isn’t your selfishness but the other person’s dysfunction, and those situations require healthy boundaries, not self-blame.
But in the context of healthy relationships, assuming I might be the selfish one turned out to be a powerful way to strengthen those connections.
The Takeaway: Gratitude and Growth
Am I now a perfect person to know or live with? Definitely not. But by pausing to consider my own selfishness, I’ve become more motivated to improve my relationships and more thankful for the people in my life.
As Keller’s tweet suggests, that’s a good prospect for great things.